Asking  for help

Cassandro, whom some of you know, sent me this beautiful poem to translate into English. As you know, it is easier for me to translate from English, which is not my mother tongue, into Italian. I have had problems with the rhymes and the form, so I’m asking you for help . Do you have any suggestions for improving it?
It is a poem (a double Italian sonnet) about sleeping after love, seen first by him and then by her.
I would like to thank in advance, also on behalf of Cassandro, whoever will want to give us a hand

THE SLEEP OF LOVE (him and her)

Sleeping after love
may be such a sweet rapture
diving into an odourless world
colourless . . . like alabaster sculpture

you almost feel. . . in paradise
suddenly you come. . . like in a quest
but you don’t care – here again
where your body is serene at rest

You have become a cloud. . . or sky maybe. .
or else … the centre of the earth. . .
or foam brushing against the sea

Your mind is now at ease
as a veil has descended on it,
and with the world you feel at peace

° ° °

I love making love, of course, no one denies
however, even though sex is divine
I love your body when it lies
finally exhausted on top of mine

. . . and I love to feel your heart beating
like a drum, that’s true
and then calm down while sleeping
the slumber I gave you.

. . . And it’s a pity you can’t understand
what it means to sense you abandoned
with your body weighing on mine and

feel the warmth of your breath when
you descend into me and here you die,
until, my dear, I wake you again.

Cassandro, che alcuni di voi conoscono, mi ha inviato questa bella poesia da tradurre in inglese. Come sapete, per me è più semplice tradurre dall’inglese in italiano. Ho avuto problemi con le rime e la forma, così chiedo aiuto a voi. Avete suggerimenti per migliorarla?
Si tratta di una poesia (un sonetto doppio) su “Il sonno dell’amore”, visto prima da Lui e poi da Lei.
Ringrazio in anticipo, anche a nome di Cassandro, chi vorrà darci una mano


IL SONNO DELL’AMORE ( Lui e Lei )

Dormire dopo aver fatto l’amore
è dolce forse più dell’amor stesso,
precipiti in un mondo senza odore,
senza colore . . . statua di gesso

ti senti quasi . . . e giù . . . nell’aldilà
di botto ti ritrovi . . . non sai come
— nè t’interessa — qui ritornerà
il corpo tuo che non ha più nome.

Sei diventato nube . . . forse cielo . . .
oppur . . . che so? . . . il centro della terra . . .
o schiuma che per mar va pelo pelo.

Nulla nella tua mente più s’inserra:
su questa infatti è disceso un velo,
che con il mondo non ti fa più in guerra.

° ° °

Fare l’amore, certo, mi piace,
però più che dell’atto in sè per sè
adoro il corpo tuo quando giace,
stanco alla fine, tutto su di me

. . . nonchè sentirti il cuor come un tamburo
battere forte forte sopra il mio
per acquietarsi poi in sonno duro,
sonno che t’ho donato solo io.

. . . Ed è un peccato che non puoi capire
cosa vuol dire averti abbandonato,
col corpo che mi schiaccia ed avvertire

però solo il calore del tuo fiato,
il tuo scendere in me e qui morire,
finchè, mio caro, non ti avrò svegliato.

73 thoughts on “Asking  for help

  1. This is a beautiful poem, dear Luisa. Unfortunately, I can only enjoy the feelings expressed in the poem. It’s wonderful. 🥰🥰🥰😘😘😘😊😊😊. Please convey my appreciation and regards to Cassandro.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Luisa ! You have put a very difficult question before me . You yourself appear to be a master of literature . But for testing you have put this hard question before a learner from your blogs like me . Anyway , to me , the caption of the sonnet should be LOVE SLUMBER as after making such serious love people (both-man and woman) goes into a deep SLUMBER as such . However , your testing acumen is superb which could test our mind in no time at all . Thanks !

    Liked by 2 people

  3. That is a brave challenge Luisa. Translating without changing the meaning or context. Only a couple of thoughts – instead of plaster, had you thought of alabaster? You often here poetry and prose referencing “skin like alabaster”.
    And this verse
    you almost feel. . . in paradise
    suddenly you find. . . like in a game (quest instead of game)
    but you don’t care – here again
    where your body has lost its name (where your body, serene at rest)

    This is difficult indeed and I commend you for your skills.

    Best of luck

    Allan

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Che bella emozione leggere i versi di Cassandro nel tuo post! Questa poesia in particolare è molto bella e ricca di atmosfera!!! Spero che la traduzione in inglese mantenga lo stesso pathos!!! Un abbraccio carissima 🙂

    Liked by 2 people

    1. I explained to the author that I was not able, also because it is a complex poem, but since Cassandro seemed to have faith in me, I took on the task.
      I have already noted Allan’s suggestions. Thanks for the support, dear Pat😘

      Liked by 1 person

  5. This is very ambitious of you Luisa and I think you are doing an amazing job with it, as much as I’d like to help I can’t understand a bit of Italian so I am hardly of any use but I’d go with Allan’s suggestion. 💞

    Liked by 2 people

  6. 💜 From an English Writer ✍️ who ignores English Grammar (Terrible Language that EveryOne wants to learn) this is Perfect as it is; very good, carry on

    …💛💚💙…

    Liked by 2 people

  7. lascialo dormire è lì che doveva finire!. Certo far tradurre ad una gentildonna tali tematiche …sarebbe da sfidar a duello ..su quello!🖐️😜

    Liked by 2 people

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