Mary Maxwell, a friend of the couple who founded Home Instead Senior Care friend, was invited to give the Invocation at their annual Convention.
Nobody expected what they were going to listen, since the prayer soon took a very funny turn, when the elderly speaker went off script and started to joke about the process of growing old.
Here are some passages from her speech:
I am so honoured to be chosen to offer the invocation this evening. So, let us pray. God, our father, … we ask your blessing on the Home Instead family … and we ask you to continue to bless them and this food, which we are about to receive. Amen.
Uh-oh. Oh! Sorry, God! As long as I have the microphone there are a few things I forgot to mention. First of all, just to introduce myself a little. Over the years I’ve noticed that the two things most people want to know about you are the two things they’re far too polite to ask. So let’s get that out of the way.
I’m 72 years old. And I weigh a hundred and 45 pounds. As you know, .. seniors are sometimes not very likeable, let alone loveable. So Lord, … please remind them that the thing about old age is that you don’t get a chance to practice.
This is the first time I’ve ever been old. And it just sort of crept up on me. There were signs. Random hair growth – that’s special. Particularly that first time you go to brush a hair off your lapel and discover it’s attached to your chin.
You turn your left turn signal on in the morning and leave it on all day. Non-life threatening skin growths large enough to name after deceased pets and relatives begin to appear. And neck tissue seems to develop a life of its own…
And Lord, I know you’re aware that one Sunday in church I put my Dillard’s bill in the collection basket by mistake. And last Easter after services at St. Cecilia’s cathedral here in Omaha, my husband stopped to talked to a friend and I went on out and got in the car to go home. The gentleman sitting behind the wheel said, “Oh, are you going home with me?” . And I said, “Oh Archbishop, I’m so sorry”
I won’t even mention driving into the wrong end of the car wash … or discovering that you’re wearing mismatched earrings and going home to change them and ending up wearing the other mismatched pair.”
After reciting the prayer “Blessed in Aging”, she concluded :
“Bless them all and at the end of the evening please help me find my car in the parking lot. Amen. “